Fellow Earthlings,

I don’t know what your particular religious leanings are. Nor do I know if you are current on the vagaries of the space-time continuum and all that it may entail. However, I surely know you can appreciate the gravity of this situation…

Yesterday, what started as an ordinary day by any account, was ending as an ordinary day–that is, with me ingesting a fair to moderately large portion of roasted peanuts and hunkering down in my sink (long story) to have a lovely chat with my dear wife, Sara.

What occurred next would amount to nothing less than the entire restructuring of the known (and unknown) universe, a cosmic shift no less pivotal than the Big Bang, itself. I casually cracked open the shell of an extraordinarily normal looking specimen (or “goober” as some are wont to call it), when, into my hand was delivered a kernel so divine, a germ so breathtakingly rarefied, that my hand was caused to tremble and my lower extremities began to buckle. Scarcely able to wrap my meager cognition around a One such as This, I could only do what any mere mortal could do in such a situation: I began speaking in tongues, while inwardly recognizing that what was written was becoming manifest, that the End of Times were well nigh at hand. For when I finally came to my senses, what I beheld in my hand was none other than a peanut in the perfect shape of a duck!!! (ok…ok, or goose)

In that moment, I knew it would be nothing for the rivers to change course and flow backwards, or for the dead and rotted carcasses of all the world’s dead to rise up and share in the glory of the coming of our Lord…

…or, for that matter, for Howard the Duck to crash land his spacecraft in Cleve-land.

So, there you have it. I’m now the proud owner of a duck-shaped peanut. And ducks are my wife’s favorite thing to collect. Go figure. How cosmic is that? Far out, eh?

I will discuss this matter further with Sara to see if she’d like it, or if it’d be in our best interest to auction it off on Ebay.

Don’t be jealous.

White-Breasted Nuthatch,
George
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